Insights

From our earliest interactions, we learn about relationships with others. We learn from both our experiences and observations. Babies who are nurtured and cared for associate reward and safety with human interaction. Those who suffer neglect or abuse develop trust and connection issues. If you are interested in the impact of childhood neglect, I highly recommend the book What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Children who had their needs met as babies are given a good foundation for building positive social skills later in life, however, the work has only just begun. In her book Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown makes the observation that every list she has seen of the causes of fear includes the fear of social rejection. While I do not know the exact science or psychology behind when and how this fear develops in children who are being raised in nurturing homes, I do know that we see it begin at very young ages. Over the course of the next five weeks, we will explore ways you can help your child of any age build on the foundation of trust that you began working on from the time he or she was born. 

According to All Learning is Social and Emotional, “Prosocial behaviors cluster into three categories: sharing, helping, and teamwork. I would like to offer the observation that sharing, helping and teamwork each require effective communication skills. In today’s culture of soundbites and text messages, people are losing the art of personal communication. In order to help our children develop healthy relationships, we must teach them about words and their meaning, about eye contact and body language, and about listening to others. This begins with meaningful communication within the home. Sadly, over 60 percent of American families don’t gather once a day for a meal. Meals provide an excellent opportunity for conversation and connection. One of the easiest ways you can help your child learn how to converse with others is to spend time conversing with your child. During these conversations, eliminate distractions like cell phones and televisions in order to teach your child to be fully present with those to whom they are communicating. Modeling effective communication is critical as your child learns how to connect with others. In Caring for Words in a Culture of Lies, Marilyn McEntrye lists four skills and attitudes needed to hold “good” conversation. Those are deliberation, curiosity, listening and honesty. 

Deliberation involves both the intent with which we enter the conversation and the care with which we choose our words within the conversation. This may start by asking the question, “Why am I communicating?” If it is for the purpose of connection, I must be deliberate about focusing my attention singularly on the person to whom I am speaking. For all forms of communication, I must be deliberate about the words I use to communicate my thoughts. As a parent, the best way you can develop your child’s vocabulary is through regular, thoughtful conversation. The next best way to develop vocabulary is through reading. Solid vocabulary is not developed through watching television or being online. Children must read and be read to. Sadly, it is said that a quarter of American adults do not read a single book in the course of a year (Pew Research Council). One way you can help your child develop strong relationships is to provide him with a strong vocabulary.

Curiosity and listening walk together. Conversation must be two-way. As we communicate with another, we must be interested in that person and what they are seeking to communicate to us. We must ask quality questions in order to gain insight and understanding. In the journalism classroom, I taught my students to utilize the five Ws and the H: who, what, where, when, why, and how. Connecting with others requires that we are interested in learning more about them and the things which are important to them. Once we pose a question we must remember to listen carefully to that answer. We listen not only to the spoken words but to the body language being used. We listen without judgment until the speaker has completed his or her thought. We then ask clarifying questions when necessary. Listening requires quieting our own minds in order to truly hear. 

Finally, the art of conversation requires honesty and vulnerability. Brene Brown says, “Vulnerability is not weakness; it is our greatest measure of courage.” Relationships require courage. It can be frightening to know and be known. Some will prove to be untrustworthy and your children will have to know how to navigate that as well. However, in order to develop positive, meaningful relationships, we must be willing to engage. I have often said that relationships are not things that happen to us. They are things we work to obtain.

Tammy McIlvoy
Head of School
Logos Preparatory Academy